23rd Mar 05; Thursday-
Have you ever gotten that feeling that you wished your ex gf/bf didn't mean so much to you?
That whatever they might put for nicks/friendster/anywhere public won't make you go, "I wonder why is he/she is feeling that way?"
And from that initial thought leads to other stuff like "Okay is he/she interested in someone else?" or "Sigh I wish I knew why but alas, we aren't together anymore so how should I ask what's up? Or should I even bother asking?"
It frustrates me not that whether he might be interested in someone else (okay, maybe a little), but more of why I get so bothered/affected whenever such a thing happens when really, he doesn't give a shit/doesn't give as much care about what's happening in your life right now than you care about what's going on in his.
AND who am I to care about what's up with him? Uh huh.
I think it's just screwed up to feel screwed up about something that you shouldn't be affected by so much.
Yet here I am feeling that way.
Ugh.
All that aside, I've been thinking a lot lately.
Education.
All throughout my life, I haven't exactly been a smart girl.
Yeah so I made it to EM1 in primary school, but so what?
I ended up in Ntss.
I thought I would learn my lesson after PSLE, but no, I didn't.
Secondary school was worse.
I didn't study for my upper secondary school life at all.
Yeah so I pia-ed for Os at the end, but so what?
I didn't make my mom proud of me, did I?
Now I know there are some of you who are going "wtf is her problem she did okay for os what she didn't exactly get into the course she really wanted but she got into a good/decent course didn't she? she should just shut the hell up".
I understand how you feel because I feel the same way about those who did better than me but still complain, but..that's just the way it is.
Different people have different expectations for themselves.
But while I'm regretting for not studying harder right from the beginning, it occurs to me that all I can do to improve myself is to make sure I study hard and well in poly.
Financial matters.
So I've been working for the past 4 months.
I earned my own money and stopped taking allowance from my mom, but did I manage my money well?
Now I wish that I didn't waste money on unneccessary things.
I'll definitely be much richer now.
And I really wish that I don't have to worry about my poly fees and laptop fees.
There are times when I really feel that it's unfair how people don't have to care about saving money, or how they don't have to mind about the price tag of a certain item they want because anyhow, there's always dad to pay for it.
Yet I have to bear in mind that I'll have to worry after dining at a restaurant.
Now of course I know there are many people out there who are in worse situations than me, but..that's just the way it is.
Different people have different mindsets because of how their lives are.
But while I'm feeling frustrated over money matters, it occurs to me that the only way to worry less is to work harder and manage my money better.
Relationships.
Now I have to admit, I've become skeptical of relationships.I'm not being one of those "omg I don't dare to love again because he hurt me so much", but rather, the breakup got me thinking, what makes me think that the next guy is gonna be really suitable for me?
He might just end up falling for someone else, or finding out that he isn't that interested in me afterall, or I'm just not good enough for him, or...there are so many possibilities of us just breaking up in just a quick snap.
I'm sick of breakups. It's not that I've been through many of them, but they make me sick because I hate how fked up one makes me feel.
I don't wanna always be the one who feels fked up while the other party doesn't.
Yeah okay so I'm scared of breakups now, and in turn, that's making me skeptical.
And while typing all these, it occurs to me that I should just learn from past mistakes and not rush into the next relationship without understanding the guy inside out.
People always say move on and learn from mistakes but I never really got the gist of it.
Now I understand that statement.
It really applies to everything that I regret about.
From education to financial stuff to relationships.
So I might still feel fked up over certain matters, but I guess I finally get the point that since I'm going into a new chapter of my life, I should just make use of it and start anew and stop having a selfish mindset.
I should just learn to be a better daughter. A better sister. A better friend. A better gf (for the next relationship).
Be a better me by being more rational, more clear-headed, more sensible.
And most importantly, to learn not to make stupid mistakes that I'll live to regret for.
she sang away at | 1:24 AM